growing to love

I was deeply attracted to him when I was just twenty five years old. It initially was not attraction but avoidance. Something, that little inner voice called instinct, told me he looked like trouble, stay away, far away. Time and his persistence made him become ultimately irresistible. I didn’t fight it in fact I sought him.

He played all the right cards. He was indeed the master of the game. I was hopelessly lost without even knowing it. Like a wild bird, he wooed  me with morsels of compliments, deep eye contact and boyish charm. He was ten years older than I and knew all the traps to set. For me I longed to be caged by him. But for him it was more about having a prize to show off.

After our first intimate time together, which in all honesty was not earth-shattering, I could not wait to be with him again. I planned and hoped and waited. He was all cool and disinterested. Smart man! the more I was sideswept, the more I wanted to be with him.

As I write this I realise that it was the perfect combination. He was a master manipulator and I was a willing puppet. The age difference did matter. Some say it doesn’t but it does and it did. His views on life, his rules, his expectations, his perspectives on relationships were all different from mine by a whole generation.

The thing is I changed gradually into a mini me of him. Some of that was good but some was not. I gave freely of time, love, money… you name it I gave it. To keep me in line or to have his own way without my knowledge, he would have an angry outburst and chase me away. Initially this worked well for him because I would always leave… and always return.

What was amazing was that after many years he actually grew to love me in a pure wholesome way. I became a much needed part of his life just as he was part of mine. I had lost myself in him which helped him to find his way. As happy as I was for him I could not go  on living a life in which I had no dreams, no needs, no expectations…

And so what was a lifetime had to finally come to an end. Undramatic, total acceptance by both parties. Life does indeed go on. The younger me would never have understood that concept.


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